Saturday, April 21, 2018

Saturday early morning, April 21st 04:03 am

I woke up, and feeling angry. Feeling humiliated, feeling abused. Devastated, disappointed. But mostly, frightened.

I keep blaming myself for always making wrong decision about everything. I wish I could turn back time and change what was started to have a better presence than now.

I went to the bathroom. Drowning my head. Thinking of holding a breath til my last or juzt breath with the water inside my lungs? I screamed in the water so nobody would hear my pain. Wish could have a b3tter ending but once more, crumbled. For a moment I push myself to one way. Suicide.

I’m exhausted.

Tuesday, March 14, 2017

Friendship

– 
I used to think friendship was
sleepovers and play dates.

But I know it's not.

Friendship is there in the morning talks
about what happened the day before
and why the hell you're still awake.

Friendship is there in the afternoon
laughing so hard you're on the floor at
a corny joke for the third time that day.

Friendship is sitting there eating in
silence because you would rather eat
than talk, and they would too.

Friendship is something that you
brave enough to show them yourself
without afraid being judged,
or being left.

Friendship is crying together at the
corner of the fast food restaurant,
just because they don't want you
to cry alone.

Friendship is love in the strangest ways
when all else is lost.

I do love that kind of friendship.
We do.

Monday, February 13, 2017

Dead Butterflies







I sometimes think about the fragility of glass–of broken shards tearing against soft skin. When in truth, it is the transparency that kills you. The pain of seeing through to something you can never quite touch.

For years over years I've kept you in secret, behind a glass of screen. I've watched helplessly as day after day, your new girlfriend becomes your wife and then later, the mother of your children. Then realizing the irony in thinking you were the one under glass when in fact it has been me – a pinned butterly– static and unmoving, watching while your other life unfolds.

Thursday, January 5, 2017

Kadang kita begitu senang memaki tanpa tahu perasaan dia yang kita caci

Van Gogh, Starry Night




Kadang kita begitu senang memaki tanpa tahu perasaan dia yang kita caci.
Begitu senang mencela, tanpa tahu sedang membuka luka.

Ada kecemburuan di dalam benakmu bahwa kau tidak kusebutkan dalam prasa,
padahal namamu tak pernah absen kulantunkan tiap sepertiga malam di setiap doa yang penuh asa.

Sayang.., ungkapan rasa cinta tidak harus melulu dibaiat dengan puisi atau sajak bukan?
Katamu juga itu memuakkan.

Kamu boleh dengan mudahnya mencaci, tapi aku tidak tahu apa kamu juga butuh untuk dibenci.

Maaf aku tidak pandai menjaga hati, sampai kamu mati-matian memaki malam tadi.

Kalau sekarang kamu bingung hingga marah
Sini ke pundakku, bersandarlah..
Mungkin engkau lelah.

Wednesday, December 21, 2016

Untuk kamu, yang pernah ada

Untuk kamu, yang sempat hadir.

Apa kabar? Sudah lama kita tak jumpa. Jangankan berjumpa, saling sapa pun sudah tidak. Aku maklumi itu semua. Aku menghargai kehidupanmu, dan kau? Entahlah masih peduli dengan hidupku atau tidak.

Mungkin kamu akan bertanya, kenapa aku menulis ini semua? Jika kau mengira, karena aku ingin mencuri perhatianmu tentu tidak :)

Untuk apa? Lalu jika kau mengira, aku ingin mendramatisir keadaan itupun tidak. Sama sekali tidak.
Aku menulis semua ini hanya karena rindu dan ingin mengungkapkan apa yang selama ini mengganggu pikiranku.

Cinta kita hanyalah cinta monyet. Cinta yang tumbuh di bawah atap sekolah. Cinta yang terus tumbuh hanya karena memandang dari jauh. Cinta yang terus tumbuh ketika kita bertukar sapa dan senyum. Cinta yang terus tumbuh karena pipiku merona setiap kali mendengar namamu. Manis. Aku masih bisa merasakannya walaupun hanya sedikit mengingatnya.