A Quick Glimpse of 2019

Okay so after my recent decision of killing myself, thought everything would be easier, nah. I admit 2018 was my most ups-downs episode for my entire life.

I made decisions of quitting my job, had a mess with college credits (and thinking I'll extend more than four years in college), abused by someone I once love, my dad passed away, and in the middle of my loneliness, I experienced my first panic attack. It was hell.

But I arose.

I got a new job, a better environment, a kind-hearted and loving coworkers, a great boss. Graduating on time, and found a new better loved ones.

But I'm still depressed. Hahahaha.

So, I started a new ritual. I started to run in a park/jogging track every weekend. I started my long-time hobby of playing piano to recover my mood.

But sometimes I don't want to do everything I thought was fun, at all. Because of what? Depression. Or maybe just lazy.

But I had a severe hard breathing for no reason, frequent waking up at night for no reason, feeling sad all of sudden for no reason, and at one time I feel happy most of time without any reason.

Study found that everything we ate is affected to our mental health. I'm going to try to diet of what I eat now.

I want to tell you the detail of all things happened in my life, but right now I got so busy with my work, loving someone, and manage my depression.

But I promise I'll tell you in details all of it, in every different new entry blogpost. But let's hope I'm still alive till that happen because what I'm thinking right now is the opposite. So, until next time peeps! Bye.

Saturday early morning, April 21st 04:03 am

I woke up, and feeling angry. Feeling humiliated, feeling abused. Devastated, disappointed. But mostly, frightened.

I keep blaming myself for always making wrong decision about everything. I wish I could turn back time and change what was started to have a better presence than now.

I went to the bathroom. Drowning my head. Thinking of holding a breath til my last or juzt breath with the water inside my lungs? I screamed in the water so nobody would hear my pain. Wish could have a b3tter ending but once more, crumbled. For a moment I push myself to one way. Suicide.

I’m exhausted.

Friendship

–––– 
I used to think friendship was
sleepovers and play dates.

But I know it's not.

Friendship is there in the morning talks
about what happened the day before
and why the hell you're still awake.

Friendship is there in the afternoon
laughing so hard you're on the floor at
a corny joke for the third time that day.

Friendship is sitting there eating in
silence because you would rather eat
than talk, and they would too.

Friendship is something that you
brave enough to show them yourself
without afraid being judged,
or being left.

Friendship is crying together at the
corner of the fast food restaurant,
just because they don't want you
to cry alone.

Friendship is love in the strangest ways
when all else is lost.

I do love that kind of friendship.
We do.

Dead Butterflies

I sometimes think about the fragility of glass–of broken shards tearing against soft skin. When in truth, it is the transparency that kills you. The pain of seeing through to something you can never quite touch.

For years over years I've kept you in secret, behind a glass of screen. I've watched helplessly as day after day, your new girlfriend becomes your wife and then later, the mother of your children. Then realizing the irony in thinking you were the one under glass when in fact it has been me – a pinned butterly– static and unmoving, watching while your other life unfolds.

Kadang kita begitu senang memaki tanpa tahu perasaan dia yang kita caci

Van Gogh, Starry Night

Kadang kita begitu senang memaki tanpa tahu perasaan dia yang kita caci.
Begitu senang mencela, tanpa tahu sedang membuka luka.

Ada kecemburuan di dalam benakmu bahwa kau tidak kusebutkan dalam prasa,
padahal namamu tak pernah absen kulantunkan tiap sepertiga malam di setiap doa yang penuh asa.

Sayang.., ungkapan rasa cinta tidak harus melulu dibaiat dengan puisi atau sajak bukan?
Katamu juga itu memuakkan.

Kamu boleh dengan mudahnya mencaci, tapi aku tidak tahu apa kamu juga butuh untuk dibenci.

Maaf aku tidak pandai menjaga hati, sampai kamu mati-matian memaki malam tadi.

Kalau sekarang kamu bingung hingga marah
Sini ke pundakku, bersandarlah..
Mungkin engkau lelah.