Toxic Relationship

To be honest, bagi saya berteman sama perempuan lebih susah dibandingkan berteman sama pria. Entah karena saya lebih suka make a relationship simplier dan menghindari drama episodes, atau saya kebanyakan salah pilih teman perempuan, yang jelas berteman sama cowok terasa lebih easy going dibanding saya harus jungkir balik cari teman perempuan yang nerima saya apa adanya.

Bukan berarti saya nggak seperti cewek pada umumnya.. Saya sama kok, punya masalah dan kadang menangis, atau ingin sekali cerita kalau saya punya masalah. Tapi semuanya ya berakhir dengan nangis sendirian, intropeksi sendirian dan cari solusi sendirian. I kept whole problems by myself without telling others and solve it myself.

Dan menurut saya, semua temen cewek saya nggak ada yang seperti itu. They told me their whole stories and it's fine. They told me their dates with their crushes and burst into joy, I felt happier than they were! Or if they got into promotion, got a prize or got some luck in their way home, I felt so congratulate about them! Or even they cried and lean on my shoulder about what happen with her boyfriend on last night's fight or their family matters or even their whole problems in life, that's fine and I'm all ears. 

But what doesn't and never fine is if they baper over something riddiculous.

I hate to tell this publicly but I don't mind let everybody know this story so they can learn from my experience. So if you feel like, "Are you talking about me?"

Yes. I'm talking about you. And I'm tired of being a good friend and protecting our toxic friendship after you've thrown me away in your first place. 

Sorry, but the story goes..

I've met you for the first time I landed in this "board city" when I was all by myself on March this year. You were with your boyfriend (which is also my four years friend in HS and we've been close like watching movies together, having the same taste of music band and hung out before he met you) in our first meet. I don't have anyone but you were like my sister back then. You take care of me and give me some useful advices and you were kind enough to me. We even share the same room and we're inseparable since then.

I still remember when we tell each others dream. You told me to be strong and keep pursuing my dream and I told you that you exactly will accomplished your dreams.

The night you had a big fight with your boyfriend, you cried and I told you to be strong against him. But the night I had a fight with my boyfriend, you tell everyone if everyday I fought with my boyfriend over something nonsense. How can you become so disgraceful?

The day we laundry our clothes together, I told you I never been having any good and healthy relationship with girls. Every girls thought I am their threats to their boyfriend or I am too cold to become a woman and sometimes I heard them backstabbing me. You promise that you're different and you won't hurt me and I believe. Why I change my mind back then and I take my previous believe for granted of you?

Your dream comes true. You packed your whole things and planning to go back home. I help you packed and tell you I'm going to miss you. And when you moved out, I heavily stand alone on my own and you have no idea how much I miss you more than I ever missed someone. So I changed the layout of our room, just to help me to forget our togetherness in three months.

You sent me a letter and you said you love me. I love you too, more than you know.

After you gone, your boyfriend asked me to go out. I was such in a dilemma either I have to accept his invitation or rejected as I promised him that I will do anything if I lost my bet upon something. Your boyfriend insist me to not to tell you if he asked me out. I disagree but he warn me that I lost my bet. And I don't think if that is such a big deal to hung out with a friend that has been together since four years. I think it's normal. 

But then you found out, and I freak out. I freak out if I'm gonna losing you. I freak out if I  will be dissapointed you. I freak out if you think that I'm betrayed you. Because I don't mean it. Because I just do it for the sake of my losing, not to break your heart.

I don't think we have to fight about this. This is nonsense! But what? You kept rant about me and telling everyone that I'm such a bitch who steal your boyfriend and cheat on her best friend.

Remember the day when we hung out together and eat on Abuba Steak? You lied to your boyfriend that only three of us go. You, my boyfriend and I. You lied to your boyfriend if you bring your crush with us. You lied to your boyfriend that not only once you date with your crush. Do you also count that I covered your lie when you say that I'm a bitch?

Do I have to tell you too that your boyfriend asking me to hug him as a price of my losing bet? I felt disgusting with your boyfriend and refused it as hardly as I could and I don't want to hurt you. But if I know if you're going to say to everyone that I nikung your boyfriend, then I will hug him back then sehingga yang kamu omongkan ke orang-orang itu bukan fitnah.

Nggak malukah kamu dengan jilbab panjang yang kamu pakai tapi dengan ringannya memfitnah orang lain?

You and your boyfriend are really match for each other. You both act like victims. But actually you both are asshole who pointed anyone else to be blamed as villain.

Everyone I knew gave me some advices that you're not such a good friend and bad influence. I refuse to believe them and I want to know you more from up close. But now I know that they were true about you. They were true about everything about you. And how deaf I am not to hear them saying about you.

Dear you, I don't want to waste my time just to hate you, or talking bad about you. Atau memfitnah tentang kamu. I'm really sorry if I accidentally hurt you and crossed the boundaries that make you show me the real ugly soul of you.

I'm trying hard to remember your kindness in our togetherness when we share room together, but I know you don't even waste your time just to remember that I also been good to you.

I'm trying to keep our friendship in my first place, but lately I realize I just keep a nonsense.

I'm trying to be a good person, but it such a wasted if you're become a good person for a bitch/an asshole.

Sorry, I'm tired to be a villain of your own version.

I'm tired to "protect" your lies from your boyfriend

and hide the truth about your boyfriend from you too. 

Sorry, but good bye, toxic.